Philadelphia or bust

Since the Los Angeles city council voted to mandate condom-use in porn films, there has been talk of the adult-film industry leaving California. Unfortunately, the only other state in which filming porn is legal is New Hampshire. And it's way-too-cold enough up there even when you keep your clothes on. So that leaves the porn industry in a quandary. Since the preference is to, "shoot" (as they say in the movie business) without condoms, I'd like to advance the radical theory that Philadelphia should become the new heart of smutty cinema.

(1.) Sure it's illegal. So is parking in the median in South Philly. Fuggedaboutit.

(2.) Oh gosh, where to start? Vince Fumo supposedly strong-armed donations for charities that he allegedly benefitted from personally. And didn't Milton Street force his way into a Democratic primary -- to run against his own nephew -- despite a lack of the proper amount of ballots and a possible residency dispute? I guess what I'm saying is, Philadelphia is the perfect home for an industry that seems obsessed with big dicks.

(3) What's porn without bad 70s funk? "Bow-chicka-wow-wow"...? We wrote that!

(4) The city's motto: "The city that loves you back" really means something now.

(5) The Catholic Church has announced the closings of 48 of its schools in Philadelphia. That's gonna mean a surplus of schoolgirl uniforms.

(6) Bondage experts? Look no further that the thousands who spend every morning tied up on the Schuylkill Expressway.

(7) Parodies are hot in porn right now -- with moves like "Not Bewitched," "Not Three's Company," and "Not Married With Children." Meet our football team, "Not going to the Super Bowl." (Part Eight.)

(8) John Bolaris is available.

(9) Chopped beef, onions and cheese. Now that's a threesome.

(10) And I'm not just talking about straight porn, either. This is the City of Brotherly Love.

I think I speak for all Philadelphians when I say welcome -- welcome! -- to Our Fair City. And don't worry about the Business Privilege Tax. You guys are used to getting screwed, right?