Since Thanksgiving is this week, I'm posting my Scanner Dorkly column early. Enjoy the bounty of my Pull List. Last week was a week that seemed to have one, single villain against whom everyone seemed to be fighting: The world Wide Web. It's the scourge of everyone from Nick Fury to Superboy Prime. Here are some of the highlights. Click on the thumbnails for a full-page excerpt.
Bad, old Internet: Marvel edition
Dark Avengers #11
opened with a flashback that revealed how Victoria hand came to be Norman Osborn's right-hand Hand. It turns out she couldn't resist mailing off a miffed missive to Nick Fury maligning the main man for failing to fight the War on Terror.
Fury(reading Hand's letter): Dear Colonel Fury. My name is Victoris Hand. I'm a business-affaird agent working under you.
Agent: What is that?
Fury (continuing to read): ...But I feel I must voice my personal disappointment in your ability to make any forward momentum in our war against global terrorism.
Agent: Are you kidding me?
Fury: Wow. Do I need this?
Agent: No, sir.
Fury: You'll take care of this.
Agent: Yes, sir.
Fury: I specifically don't go on the Internet to avoid things like this...
Agent: Yes, sir.
Fury: It's like the Internet is stalking me.
I don't know why, but the idea of receiving a letter being equated to being stalked by the Internet tickled me like all get out.
Bad, old Internet: DC edition
Blackest Night Adventure Comics #4
Meanwhile, in the DC Universe, Superboy Prime remains DC's prime whipping boy -- a point driven home by Black Lantern Alexander Luthor (of Earth-3).
BLAL(E-3) tortures S-P as the latter tries to learn more about what's happening in the DC Universe proper through his only link to the dimension -- comics.
As S-P is scouring the Web for spoilers (he had to scour
?) BLAL(E-3) commandeers the mouse
BLAL(E-3): This box. It's a conduit for rage of the people of this Earth. And you continue to evoke quite a bit of rage from them, Prime. They really do hate you.
Don't feel too
They hate everybody.
Save Some Hate for Pink
As much as I love to hear Deadpool talk to the voices in his head, I love
hearing Deadpool and his voices and his disembodied zombie-head talk amongst themselves. (I'm not even gonna try to explain it. You're just gonna have to read it
Deadpool: Oh, come on! No Way is Avril Lavigne hotter than Pink. And that "Alone/Lonely" song is awesome. I thought we were supposed to be the same.
Deadpool's disembodied zombie-head: I was thinking more in terms of which one I'd rather eat. Avril is younger and fresher. Lord knows where Pink has been.
A panel later, the voluptuous Dr. Betty steps out of a hot shower, and all I can say is, if that's how she looks after stepping out of a hot
...and for the Commies
Mighty Avengers #31
In Mighty Avengers
, several Avengers teams join to fight an ancient Inhuman heel named "The Unspoken" who has released Xerogen gas -- which transforms humans into Alpha Primitives. Amadeus Cho has gained access to the contraption spreading the yellow cloud of disaster, but he needs a distraction from Quicksilver so pull off a take-over. Unfortunately, the silver-haired one is being smashed to a pulp by the Alpha-Primitivized U.S. Agent. Luckily, Pietro is as quick-witted as he is fleet-footed:
Quicksilver (to Cho, via radio): ...Leave it to me...
Radioactive Man (aiding the Avengers): Bold words from someone being pummeled to death.
Quicksilver: Enough! I know this man. He may be a primitive fool now, but trust me... there's an even more primitive one inside...
...Walker! If I can't get to the big man -- and fast -- THE COMMIES WIN!
U.S. Agent: Hurr?.
Best Use of the Speed Force to Date
Flash: Rebirth #5
As they battle Reverse Flash, Wally West directs a gaggle of speedsters in a new way he learned how to utilize the Speed Force. What is it, you ask? Multi-lateral time travel? No. Counter-current wind vortexes? Uh-uh. Smart lightning? Nope.
Getting Jesse Quick into a pair of short-shorts?
Gotta love that Speed Force. According to Wally, "It'll give you one heck of a pick-me-up.
Once again, Ms Quick seems to have been a beneficiary.
Thanks, Speed Force!
Now, see what you can do about making Max Mercury look less like his fashion touchstone, Freddie.
Back to the Internet
Amazing Spider-man #612
I saved the best Internet-as-villain turn for last. The Daily Bugle
, like most American newspapers, faces extinction, but unlike any U.S. papers, it has successfully launched a bid for a government bailout. Electro uses the public outcry to become a demagogue.
Of course, the real fiction here lies within people caring about anything
that happens where newspapers are concerned. I mean, seriously, wasn't it downright charming to see anything-but-apathy where print news was concerned?
In an amazing bit of luck, I dug around the Web (natch') and found the original page before it was exaggerated on behalf on fiction. The original
, of course, is much closer to what might have actually happened.